I'm not together, but I'm getting there

Wowzers. It's been two weeks since my last post, and boy has life moved fast since then. As far as my broken heart goes...well, it's still broken to say the least. I cried for a good 4 or 5ish days. I don't think I've cried that hard since my childhood dog died. That first week was rough, but I think I've made tremendous progress. When he dropped the bomb, on April Fool's day, nonetheless, I didn't think I would be as happy as I am right now at this point in time. But, I have great friends and a busy life to thank for that.

I learned so much from him. I'm not ashamed to admit how I felt [feel?] about him. In fact, I hope one day he stumbles across this and reads what I have to say. I would be quite flattered myself). He motivated me to do my best and made me a better person. He boosted my self-esteem, which is something I have struggled with since my awkward preteen years. He gave me hope in the name of love, which is something I had been hopeless about for 21 years of my life. He also made me realize that I have a lot to offer. I think I will make a man very happy one day. That's my hope at least. Even though right now I wish that man was him, if nothing else I am so thankful for what we had. He taught me so many things, and I wish there was enough time in my day to discuss all of them.

It's strange how things progressed over the past year between us. It went from a drunken heart-to-heart and makeout in a hole-in-the-wall bar called Balls, to a relationship that I think I will remember forever. We definitely hit some obstacles (a girl we both hate and the distance between us to name a few). He also endlessly pursued me, meanwhile I was completely hung up on another man. But eventually we saw eye to eye, and it was the beginning of something great. Although we were never an established couple or gave ourselves a title, I feel that we did have a strong relationship, however you would like to define it.

I could talk forever about this topic, but frankly I don't think many of you (is anyone out there even reading this?) are interested in listening to me talk about a broken relationship. And for those of you who are, don't worry it will probably be brought up 1 million more times before I find someone else to talk about here.

K

Dreaming with a broken heart.

First broken heart. This is, hands down, the worst thing I've ever felt. Everything hurts, but I feel so empty all at the same time.

That's all I have right now.

T.Swift hit the nail on the head

Uncertainty is probably the worst feeling I can imagine. At least when you are sad, angry, depressed, scared, nervous, upset you can deal with the emotion and move on with your life. Uncertainty is a completely different ball game. It eats you up inside until you are numb to any other emotion. I have had a certain level of uncertainty for some time now-a month today to be exact. The easy way to deal with this issue would be to simply confront the problem, resolve the issue, and move on. However, along with uncertainty is fear. Fear of what will be said, what will come of it... I guess in retrospect I'm just not ready to move on, and deep down I know that is what is coming. The emotions I'm feeling at the moment are some I have never felt before. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I don't ever want it to end. I hate the saying "all good things must come to an end." I think that is just stupid. Why do people feel that way? Why can't a good thing last a forever and bring us a lifetime of happiness? I'm going to end this here. I have so much going through my head that I feel all of this isn't coming out how I wanted it to. But before I go I would like to quote a dear friend of mine: "Be who you are. Find out who that you is, and be it, proudly. You are the only thing in your life that will 100 percent be there the whole way through so why would you distrust something so loyal? Say what you feel, do what you feel good about doing, and don't change for anyone else but yourself. Listen to your heart, share it with someone when you see fit, and if that someone doesn't bite at the person you are, well poor them for never tasting something so sweet."

FYI

Afterthought:  I am not a writer.  My grammar sucks.  My creative writing skills are even worse.  I can, however, spell.  I'm like really good at spelling, actually.

Just throwing that out there.  

11 Shades of Gray

It began with one of those light-bulb-in-the-head, I've got to do this, it's now or never kinda feelings.  Yet, I sit here, very still, not sure where to begin.  I've got so much to say, but I'm not sure how to say it.  I guess I was never blessed with the ability to accurately express how I feel.  My thoughts and feelings are constantly stirring.  They're mixed up, unorganized, jumbled...a big mess.  Eloquence is most definitely not my middle name.  But, here I am, pretending I've got something interesting to say when really I've got nothing at all.  Perhaps I'll look back at this 11 years from now and understand what I was trying to convey.  That's the goal at least.  

 

K.